Who's House? HOWL's House
by Clownage
Summary: Parody strikes again with your favorite heartless, womanizing wizard. Read and review, you know. Rated "M" for mildly disturbing events.


**x. Who's House? HOWL'S House .x**

**x. Said Disclaimer: **I couldn't resist the demented temptations of screwing with the Howl's Moving Castle Movie. _However_, I don't literally own any of the characters involved in this, unless it's some kind of anonymous hoebag, or pedestrian -- something along those lines. Nor do I own the concept of the movie, just the little twists I throw into it. As I expect, you read, review it. Tell me about it.

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_**Narrator:**__As you can clearly ... erm, read, the scene begins with Sophie sewing a flower to a hat most diligently. A bunch of girls squeal and giggle about a castle owned by some really hot guy that probably wouldn't even acknowledge their existence because he's awesome like that._

"Sophie's Sister": (Strolls into the room) Sophie, get off your lazy working ass. You need to get laid!

(_**Author's Note:**_ Score! ¬ ¬; My _first_ oxy-moron!)

Sophie: (Confused) ... What's that supposed to mean?

"Sophie's Sister": I hear it a lot on the street.

Sophie: (Tilts head, bewildered) Who on Earth talks like that?

Some 46-year-old Overly-Ecstatic Business Employee Somewhere In New York: HELL YEAH! JEFF YOU NEED TO GET LAID, MAN.

Sophie: ... I wish I knew what just happened. (Whimper) ...

"Sophie's Sister": Ugh, whatever Emo. Well, I'm going to go hunt for an obviously dangerous, heart-eating husband with a bunch of squealing fangirls of the notorious Howl, whom of which they stand no chance of obtaining.

(_**Author's Note:**_ It HAD to be done.)

[Five minutes later.

Sophie: (Leaps up) Welp! I'm off to go to strolling through the dark alleys as a potential rape victim, where nobody can see me! (Walks away whistling)

[Eventually.

Sophie: (Finally walking through that alley she was all eager about and walks past two soldiers)

Soldier One: (Has a frighteningly false-looking third eyebrow on his upper lip) Hey! You're sexy! Remove all of your clothes.

Sophie: (Cowers) Why does this always happen to me? Life sucks!

Soldier Two: Mr. Soldier One, shame on you! You scared her with your abnormal mustache and now she's talking to herself. Here, little lady, we'll go have a drink! We'll talk all about it while I'm inside you.

Sophie: ... WHAT?!

Howl: (Randomly emerges out of nowhere behind Sophie) Um, ew. This is MY wife, you two numnuts.

Sophie: (Stares) _Note to self: He's hot._ Crap, I said that out loud.

Howl: Said what out loud? I can't see the italics I hope you know. (Smile)

Sophie: Oh, aw'right. That's fine then.

Howl: Now, let me be your escort for this evening.

(They walk along the alley and these big, pudding blobs come after them)

Howl: (Mutters under breath) _Crap_..._  
_

Sophie: What? Who are they?

Howl: (Mumbling) ... Relatives.

Sophie: What?

Howl: Oh, um... they're ladies! Yes, I'm pimpin' so much, even the spooky pudding ladies want me! (Wink)

Sophie: (Unconvinced; Rolls her eyes)

Howl: Yeah. Uh, hey -- You wanna see somethin' magic?!

Sophie: Sure?

Howl: Watch me fly! (They take off into the air)

Sophie: (Shocked)

Howl: Yeah! Amazing isn't it?

Sophie: (Shocked)

Howl: (Grabs Sophie's hands and guides her across the sky) You're a natural girl sky... walker-acrosser!

Some Filthy Guy In A Lawn chair On The Ground: (Stare in amazement) Would ya look at that, it's some o' dem flyin' gypsies!

The Filthy Guy's Dim-Witted Wife: Fabio! My water broke, we need a plumber again!

(_**Author's Note:**_ Charming, I know.)

(Howl lands Sophie safely onto a balcony)

Howl: Stay here until it's safe from those crazy pudding ladies. Don't be a naughty girl! (Waggles finger at her)

Sophie: But who are you?

Howl: ... Who am I? Who am _I_? Why, I am the vengeance. I am the night. I am... Batman. Now shut up, I really have to go!

Sophie: (Blink) But that didn't answer my que--

Howl: (Jumps backward off the railing all coolly and smashes onto the ground)

Sophie: (Peeks over the edge) I wonder what a smashed person looks like?

[Five second pause.

Sophie: (Shrugs) Oh well. (Wanders to the bake shop)

[Bake shop.

Lettie: BACK, BACK I SAY! (Fighting off the impatient cookie-devouring customers with a chair)

"Witness" Guy: Hey Lettie! I just saw your sister randomly fly onto a balcony! Lemme tell ya', it was cool!

Lettie: Um, wtf? Hold on, you take care of this for a second.

"Witness" Guy: But wa-- (Lettie takes off) ... Eh... (Stares at all the impatient customers) I don't even work he-- (Gets trampled down)

[Meanwhile.

Lettie: (Coincidently runs into Sophie in the hall) Sophie!

Sophie: ... What?

Lettie: Someone told me you landed on a balcony? How'd you do that?

Sophie: A really, _really_ hot guy, Lettie. He could fly! I was shocked for like, two lines.

Lettie: It must've been a wizard, Sophie! What if that wizard was Howl? He could've stolen your heart!

Sophie: But he_rescued _me, Lettie -- from not only pudding people but sexual deviants. Plus, Howl only steals the hearts of beatiful women.

Lettie: But, Sophie, you're hot! (Blush)

Sophie: ... Excuse me?

Lettie: Uh, I meant to say you're not as ugly as you think you are. You're more!

Sophie: Thanks for that, Lettie. But I like being "emo" about it. (Bows head)

Lettie: Ugh, just don't suddenly _turn old _overnight and stroll off to the Wastes, then.

Sophie: Yeah. Alright, Lettie.

--------

**I know, I know. I'm still working on the Sweeney Todd one too.  
But I just got SO inspired to make this. Of course, it's a little,**  
_**weird**_**. But that's alright. This will be continued, probably after  
I finish chapter six of my Sweeney Parody.  
Read and descrimin-- I mean review?**


End file.
